Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
