Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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