Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
