Old men and throwing up are my life now.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
