so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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