Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
