Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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