I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
she pinky promised me she was 18
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In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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