I want to walk on stilts...naked
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
