Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
