It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
