I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
zippers are such a cool invention
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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