Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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