Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
