so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Randomize
