Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
