i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Church boner. Awkwardddd
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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