Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
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