He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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