So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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