Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
