my mouth tastes like poor choices
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
