dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
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