no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
