Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
