you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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