You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I will pee on everything he values.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.