so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Dating After Heartbreak
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I FOUND THE LEGS
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.