my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker