stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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