eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
You're a waste of cheezeits
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
