Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
