I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
