ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
