Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
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I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
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If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
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