i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
