oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
4 words: hood of his car
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
