Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
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I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
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Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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