I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
