Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
