walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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