i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
