My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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