hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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