just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
