my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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