dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
