i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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