My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
