Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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