He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
