I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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