Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
