Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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