Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
