Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
