Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
