he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
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