Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
