We named our party play list daddy issues
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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