dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
