well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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