I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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