Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
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