I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
