forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
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