We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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