just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
