Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
