hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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